My Editor and Her Friends

Ugh! Splat! Bam! Smash! Crap.

My editor called yesterday…it went something like this…

Blrrriiiing. “Bruce here.”

“Bruce, it’s Jax. I got your proposal. I think it’s a horrendous idea. It’s been done. Don’t go there.”

“Uhhhh, thanks?”

Jackson is my editor. She goes by Jax. She’s not comfortable with her femininity. Or her masculinity either for that matter. She’s a straight-up, no frills New Yorker. I don’t think she actually lives in New York anymore, but she’s still a bitch.

“Ok, Jax, why is it a bad idea? You’ve got a better explanation than that.” She has this way of trying to hold back when she has something nice to say. She’d rather just tell you the blatantly obvious or worst thing she can think of than the whole truth. It’s why I like her. She’s mean first, then softens up. That, and she’s predictable. The phone rang two minutes after I thought it would. My timing must be off. Either that or she had to find some Nicorette first.

“Right. It’s been done, you know that. I know you know that. Now, let’s look at the other stuff. You want to do this as if you were in the 1700s? Language, movements, grammar, and all? You won’t get any readers. People like Pride and Prejedice and Zombies because it has zombies. Who’s going to like a stowaway, who’s not even a slave or prissy or anything horribly dismal? No one…unless she’s a vampire stowaway. That’s big now. Turn her into some Elena or that Twighlight chick. That would be good. Yes, vampire.” I bet she’s twirling her black bic pen. Black ink. Medium point. Always. Twirling in the left hand while holding her Bluetooth with her right as if it were about to fall out. Wishing she could smoke one of her Camel cigarettes. She won’t. She only smokes when she reads. To keep from cussing in the margin. “Look, we like you. We want you to write a novel. As far as short stories go, you’ve made us a considerable amount of money. Your book should do the same.”

“Hhhhhhhha, Jax, this is what I want to do. I think you’ll be surprised by the amount of people who really want to read what I write – whether or not you find it boring.”

“I did not say boring.”

“You wrote it on the bottom of the hard copy of the email I sent you. Little 'b', big 'R'. I can smell the smoke in your voice. How many did you have while you read my two short paragraphs? Three? Four?”

“Just, do something better.”

“I’ll get you the first chapter by the end of April. Then decide.”

/email to Jax/

Jax – I’ve got an idea. Let’s write a novel. By let’s, I mean me. I think it could be fun.

I’m thinking a twist on Gulliver’s Travels. Gwendolyn stows away on his ship and follows Gulliver to the shores of Lilliput. Of course, this would be a period piece. Since most Americans wouldn’t get the satire/political references, I’ll ignore those. Women didn’t really care anyway, right? :-) She’ll speak/write just as our friend Gulliver. It will be fun.

Don’t knock it until you read it. Look forward to your call. I think.

-B

It's About Freaking Time

I have written short stories, chapters in random publications, poems, vignettes, and even some creative non-fiction mumbo-jumbo, but I’ve never written a novel. I feel as though I’ve worked my way up to it. I’ve developed my voice, my communication skills, and even found an editor who does not hate me (mostly because she at least breaks even when she sells my stuff). It’s time. I need to expand my horizons.

I have spent the last month trying to decide upon a topic, a character, and even a genre. Have you heard of a travel narrative? Me neither. How about re-writing a classic? That sounds like fun, right? Now that these have been chosen, I want you to join me in the process of writing my first novel.

It’s fun to say – and I wish I could scream it from the rooftops - I will be writing a response to Gulliver’s Travels. You’ve heard of that book by Michel Tourier? Friday, I think it's called. The one where we find out more about Robinson Crusoe? Well, that’s my idea. Only with our man Gulliver. Gwendolyn manages to stow away with him on his trip to Lilliput, and it only gets better from there (oops! I almost spoiled the story, but I caught myself).

Feel free to share with me your thoughts on my journey…maybe you’ll make it more memorable, maybe you won’t.

PS. My name is Bruce. I look forward to the time I spend with you, even if you don’t spend that much time with me. I’ll try not to bore you with my money problems…I am a writer after all, but don’t be surprised if it just slips out from time to time. I’ll work on my funny, too.